HOUSTON, TX—A suspicious package mailed to Joel Osteen and intercepted by Lakewood Church security was found to contain a copy of the Christian Bible, sources confirmed Wednesday.
"We noticed right away the package didn't feel right," said Lakewood's head of security. "It was about the right weight to contain the 66 books of the Bible, and sure enough, there it was." A special Bible squad was called in to extract the package from the premises and dispose of it, making sure Osteen remained safe from the knowledge of the gospel.
Osteen stated he had a "bad feeling" when he went into the office this morning and began hissing, "It burnss ussss!" about the time the suspicious package was delivered to Lakewood's mail room. "I usually have a really positive feeling, but hoo boy—I just knew something wasn't right when I went into work this morning. I'm glad my security team is on top of things."
Several prosperity gospel preachers decried the attempted terrorism. "This is not how we deal with each other civilly in this country," said Creflo Dollar. "Mailing one of us Word-Faith teachers a copy of the Bibles is simply beyond the pale." Benny Hinn agreed, and also claimed to have received a MacArthur Study Bible in the mail several weeks ago. "I still have the singe marks on my hands," he said.
At publishing time, a coalition of conservative Bible scholars had suggested the Bible-mailing was simply a false flag operation.