WASHINGTON, D.C.—The CDC today issued a reminder for Americans to trust healthcare professionals when learning about the vaccine—except if said doctor disagrees with the government, in which case he should be ignored and fired.
"When we are trying to understand all the pros and cons of a brand new vaccine, the one absolute must is total groupthink," said CDC Director Rachel Walensky. "We cannot allow any sort of healthy dissension, especially from highly trained healthcare providers, to help guide us."
The administration has promised to make it easy to recognize unvaccinated medical professionals by ensuring they are unemployed. If one of these out-of-work doctors attempts to talk about the vaccine, the CDC has recommended citizens place their fingers in their ears and begin singing 'Baby Shark'.
"It's hard to even put into words how stupid the CDC is," said a local doctor who also writes for a satire site and must remain anonymous. "I have natural immunity because I kept taking care of patients when this pandemic hit. My entire family became really ill, but those were the risks we had to take. Now hear me: the vaccine is a medical marvel. It has saved many lives, it has allowed my elderly patients to resume living—I am very grateful for it. Yet while the vaccine is very safe, it is not a zero-risk intervention. Real, significant adverse events can occur, although rarely. So for someone with natural immunity—which the latest data shows to be seven times stronger than vaccination—there is simply no reason they should be compelled into vaccination and take on that risk of an adverse event. Same with children, given their low-risk profile for serious disease, and the need for longer studies to determine potential adverse effects. The broad mandate for everyone to get vaccinated, regardless of natural immunity status, is egregiously anti-science."
The CDC has asked anyone who read the previous paragraph to please smack their heads into a wall until they forget everything they just read. Drones have been dispatched to take care of that silly doctor, who is probably hiding in Brazil.
In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.