U.S. — In its latest bid to promote homeschooling, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention voted to recommend the COVID vaccine be given as part of routine yearly immunizations for all schoolchildren. The vaccine, which has proved ineffective in preventing transmission of COVID, may soon be spreading uncommon side effects among children as early as this spring.
According to sources, many CDC members have been inspired to remove their own kids from the school system and wish to make the decision easier for parents across the country. "Public schools have obviously failed our society," said CDC Director Rochelle Walensky. "I mean, have you seen the people responsible for public schools? I've met them. They're imbeciles — and believe me — I know a thing or two about imbeciles."
President Biden is reportedly conflicted on whether or not to support the recommendation. "Kids need the government to be in their lives, Jack. I don't want to risk losing them over a jab. But on the other hand, I sure love jabbing kids! It's a tough rattlefrusher mobek. Applesauce. Not a joke!"
At publishing time, parents across the nation thanked the CDC for managing to somehow make public schools even less attractive.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
