Are you and your backward family still following those outdated family traditions? It's time to drop those archaic and meaningless activities for some family traditions that actually matter!
So get with the times and check out these superior modern replacements!
Old: Thanking God for providing this meal
New: Thanking government for providing this meal
Old: Taking kids to an art museum
New: Gluing kids to the wall in an art museum to protest climate change
Old: Going to church
New: Going to family-friendly Drag shows
Old: Carving the turkey on Thanksgiving
New: Carving the crickets
Old: Handing over the keys to his first car
New: Handing over his government-issued public transportation card
Old: Playing out in the mud
New: Vaccinating your infant 70+ times and hoping for the best
Old: Telling your kids not to smoke
New: Begging them to smoke so they don't vape
Old: Watching Lord of the Rings
New: Watching Rings of Power
Old: Teaching your kids they can be anything
New: Teaching your kids they are mentally ill victims
Old: Bedtime stories
New: Oh no! You don't even have kids!
Well, now you know. Don't be a knuckle-dragger and get out there and embrace modernity!
NOT SATIRE: Culture is coming! Prepare the next generation with children's books that teach traditional values. BRAVE Books is the conservative book company you've been waiting for. Our books are full of fun and adventure and teach valuable life lessons that will last a lifetime. Each month we partner with a conservative icon to release a new book on a traditional value. Every story takes place on Freedom Island and the stories unfold in Sagas that will captivate your attention and pull you in. When you subscribe to our Book of the Month Club this month, you will get Bethany Hamilton's new book, Surfing Past Fear, and get a free copy of Julie Banderas' book on Perseverance with your first month. Check out all of our titles in the Freedom Island Series at bravebooks.com.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.