U.S. — Newly declassified intelligence files revealed that every politician, government official, and political candidate except Donald Trump colluded with Russia in 2016.
The scandal reportedly took news media and D.C. insiders by complete surprise.
"Wow, it looks like everything was exactly the opposite of what we were all told," said one surprised American citizen. "Who could've imagined they'd lie to us like this? It doesn't seem like something they'd do."
The documents indicated that several key figures, including Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Susan Rice, James Comey, James Clapper, John Kerry, Joe Biden, Ash Carter, Loretta Lynch, Eric Holder, Jeh Johnson, Denis McDonough, The New York Times, CNN, Nancy Pelosi, every member of the United States Congress, and 32,736 other individuals in various positions in the government colluded with the Russians to prevent Trump from becoming president.
"Wow, looks like I've been vindicated. Many are saying I've been vindicated. It's fair to say I've been vindicated," said Trump on a post to his Truth Social account. "Total and complete vindication. Congratulations, America, your favorite President has won again!"
At publishing time, sources indicated that zero people so far had been arrested for the Russia collusion.
Woke Jesus is back with a new collection of socialist teachings for your edification.
