ATLANTA, GA — After extensive research, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced that the declining math and English scores of American students were being added to its list of COVID-19 symptoms.
"It's very important to understand that failing test scores among elementary students is a tragic side-effect of COVID and in no way linked to the lockdowns we forced on the American people," said Dr. Rochelle Walensky, CDC Director and fully vaccinated and boosted COVID patient. "Not only has COVID caused untold amounts of death and destruction around the world but it is now, as we have just decided, lowering the test scores of our students."
Not everyone was quick to support these claims. "It's simply preposterous to suggest that COVID-19 is causing lower test scores in basic subjects," said Senator Rand Paul of Kentucky. "Other countries have been fighting the COVID-19 pandemic but their test scores aren't plummeting. Our kids in the U.S. are clearly growing dumber for a different reason."
While officials continued to search for an explanation for declining test scores among students, the CDC was already preparing to add even more symptoms to the growing list of signs of COVID-19 infection. "We have to continue to fight this disease on every front," Dr. Walensky said. "Even if it means making up new symptoms every day and blaming it for literally everything."
At publishing time, health experts were awaiting the results of the mid-term elections before deciding whether voting for Republicans, waving American flags, or wearing MAGA hats were, indeed, new coronavirus symptoms and cause for heavier lockdowns.
Should you get your kid the new iPhone 14? Of course.