ANN ARBOR, MI—Sources confirmed Tuesday that unrestrained sex and drug use are now covered as acceptable behaviors under local man Aiden Pearson’s ever-expanding definition of “Christian liberty.”
“I’m just trying to really live into my freedom in Christ while purging myself of any hint of legalism, and doing lots of recreational drugs while fornicating as frequently as possible are effective ways of doing that,” the 24-year-old University of Michigan student noted to sources, adding that he is “completely free” and “unstained by toxic fundamentalist hypocrisy.” “I try to sprinkle some porn and some larceny in there too, just as reminders that I’m not some holier-than-thou, plastic churchgoer.”
Pressed by a source about the physical and spiritual danger of his habitual, unrepentant sin, Pearson cursed him as a “Puritan Nazi” before punching him in the face.
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