MEXICO CITY — Sources deep within the Mexican drug trade have disclosed a major shift that has taken place throughout the underworld, as cartels have reportedly switched from smuggling meth to transporting more lucrative Stanley tumblers.
The transition was believed to have been made after the leaders of the powerful cartels discovered the effect Stanley tumblers have on middle-class suburban white American women, which opened up a much larger market to the cartels' business than simply dealing in illegal methamphetamine.
"We're seeing more cash flowing in than ever before," one unnamed Sinaloa Cartel member said under the condition of anonymity. "We thought we had something good going with the meth, but these Stanley tumblers? Ay, dios mio… this is where the real money is, vato. One of our big bosses just built a new mansion in Cancún just from Stanley Tumbler money."
A spokesman for the Drug Enforcement Administration confirmed a noticeable shift in cartel practices. "It all makes sense now," said Agent Michael Rivera. "We were wondering how they were still doing good business after we made strides to cut off the flow of meth and fentanyl. Then we started busting mules along the border and making huge seizures of Stanley tumblers. They've got a whole new customer base with money to burn. It's a terrifying new development."
At publishing time, agents were reportedly gathering evidence to take down an American woman who retired from her job as a high school chemistry teacher to now rule over a vast illegal Stanley Tumbler empire in the Southwest.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.