Christian Living Worldviews
Calvinist Explains To Wife: 'I Didn’t Choose My Beard; The Beard Chose Me'

GLENSIDE, PA – According to sources, local Calvinist Patrick Umstead and his wife Emma have argued over his beard since he began growing it out roughly 2 years ago.

“It’s gotten really big. It hides half his face,” Emma complained to reporters. “I understand the whole ’emulating Spurgeon’ thing, but I want him to shave it off for my sister’s wedding this summer, and he refuses.”

Sources close to the couple confirm that Patrick’s response has not changed.

“God sovereignly ordained this facial hair, honey,” he told his wife in between tokes of his pipe on the couple’s front porch. “How could it grow on my face had he not predestined it before the foundation of the world? I did not choose my beard; the beard chose me.”

Get Free Access To Our Brand New Site: Not the Bee

After creating The Babylon Bee in six literal days, Adam Ford rested. But he rests no longer. Introducing Not the Bee — a brand new humor-based news site run by Adam himself. It's loaded with funny content and all the best features of a social network. And the best part? Everyone with a subscription to The Bee gets full access at no extra cost.

Get FREE Access

*with premium subscription to The Babylon Bee

There is 1 comment on this article.

You must become a premium subscriber or login to view or post comments on this article.