Church
Calvary Chapel Pastor Claims To Teach The Bible Verse By Verse But Kinda Skips Through The Book Of Numbers

COLFAX, CA—A local Calvary Chapel congregation is being accused of false advertising after failing to live up to their website’s slogan, “Teaching Verse by Verse through the Bible.” During a recent Bible series, “Counting on God through Numbers,” several attendees noticed the pastor kind of skimming through large chunks of the Book of Numbers. 

Calvary Chapel is an international, “non-denominational” denomination which, while possessing no official set of rules, does have a set of “distinctives” that associated congregations are required to follow in order to avoid being “not-exactly-excommunicated”. Those “non-rules” include general guidelines such as belief in the pre-trib rapture, prominently displaying a poorly-drawn dove, and never making direct eye-contact with a Calvinist. Among their most fundamental non-rules is the practice of teaching verse-by-verse through the Bible during their Sunday services, as opposed to the topical, pop culture-themed messages more common to normal churches.

 “This seems like a betrayal of our most fundamental non-fundamentals!” complains George Spunkmeyer, who has attended Calvary Chapel Colfax for more than twenty years, during which time the Sunday and Wednesday Bible Studies were able to teach through both Exodus and Leviticus. “I had been waiting for years to find out how many Gershonites would be serving in the Tabernacle, and what their age range would be, and we just skipped right past that! I had been dying to find out how many carts and oxen were given to the sons of Merari, and now I’ll never know!”

At publishing time, Calvary Chapel Colfax had updated the slogan on their website to say: “Teaching Verse By Verse Through The Bible ...except for Numbers, and Deuteronomy. And we’ll have to see about Song of Solomon.”
 

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