WASHINGTON, D.C. - Bernie Sanders announced he would pay off all $1.6 trillion in student debt if elected president "so that we can stay true to our liberal values of not taking personal responsibility for anything."

"What kind of nation do we want to be?" he asked a crowd gathered around him as he exited a local Denny's restaurant. "Do we want to be a nation that asks people to work hard and take responsibility for themselves?" The crowd booed, and Bernie Sanders wagged his finger. "That's right, we don't. We want to be a nation that remains true to itself. A nation where you can borrow hundreds of thousands of dollars and expect other people to pay for it."

"That's what this nation is all about," he added, glaring at the crowd, "making poor financial decisions and then expecting someone else to foot the bill. That's what attracted me to the socialist platform in the first place."

At publishing time, Sanders had asked if anyone in the crowd could run back into the Denny's and pay for his tab since he had skipped out on the bill.