Politics
Democratic Candidates Announce Plan To Dangle Stacks Of Cash In Front Of Potential Voters

U.S.—The 347 Democratic presidential candidates currently running announced Monday their new plan to attract voters to their platforms: simply to dangle stacks of cash over their heads on a fishing line.

At every rally and campaign event, Democrats running for president will dangle bags or bundles of cash above undecided voters, hoping to lure them to the polls to vote. 

"Rather than compete on ideas, we will resort to blatant bribery," said Bernie Sanders after proposing giving $1.6 trillion to college graduates. Sanders then pulled out a fishing pole and began teasing his audience. "Whooa, gotta be quicker than that!" he said, laughing as audience members tried to jump up and grab the cash. "You almost got it that time!"

While speaking to an LGBT rights organization, Elizabeth Warren cast out a line with a $20 bill on it and skillfully reeled it in, jerking it from side to side as potential voters lunged after the cash. "$50 million is up for grabs!" she yelled. "You get $50 million! And you get $50 million! Everybody gets $50 million! But you gotta follow the fishing line all the way to the polls, people!"

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