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California Updates Stop Signs To Read, 'STOP (Or Don't, Whatever's Cool. You Do You)'

SACRAMENTO, CA—Governor Gavin Newsom is a swell guy who has done a lot to set California apart from the rest of the nation's backward ideas like poverty, crime, and freedom.

Newsom is turning his progressive utopian ray gun on traffic now, signing an executive order Tuesday that replaces all of California's stop signs with signs that read, "STOP (OR DON'T, WHATEVER'S COOL. YOU DO YOU)." Now, Californians can roll through stop signs, momentarily touching their brake pedals to acknowledge that the sign exists, without fear of being pulled over by police.

"Californians were already driving like this anyway, but now it's official," Newsom said in a press conference. "Besides, stop signs are oppressive symbols leftover from a system of white, straight, male supremacy, and these better reflect our progressive, relativistic values."

Accidents increased pretty quickly after the change was made. The state legislature is considering a bill that would compel drivers to slap a "Coexist" sticker on the back of their car in order to magically prevent collisions.

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