LOS ANGELES, CA — A local man expressed confusion today, wondering why he should look forward to playing the upcoming Grand Theft Auto VI when he can simply walk outside and experience committing horrifically violent crimes without any consequences in real life.
"Why pretend when I can do the real thing?" asked Luis Garcia, setting down the controller. "I mean, how exciting can it be to watch your avatar steal cars, beat up homeless people, and rob businesses on a television screen? I can literally do those things in real life and not worry about being prosecuted. Plus, the game is supposed to be released when? 2025? Please. I can walk out my door and punch a woman of ill repute today."
Though gamers have been eagerly anticipating the latest installment in the popular Grand Theft Auto series, residents of California have had trouble getting as excited about the release due to recent changes in state laws that resulted in criminals being allowed to run roughshod without consequences. "I can understand people in other parts of the country being excited about it," Garcia said. "But here in California? We've already evolved enough to bring the world of Grand Theft Auto to life. It would be just like watching my own dashcam."
At publishing time, a spokesperson for the game's manufacturer, Rockstar Games, said this sentiment was anticipated. "Yes, we knew things would be different in the California market," said public relations director Jacob Loera. "But we figured the game wouldn't draw much revenue in California anyway because all of the copies would be stolen instead of purchased."
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.