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California Legislature Unveils Plan To Raise Taxes On Wildfires Until They Move Out Of State

SACRAMENTO, CA—As California authorities scramble to deal with the unprecedented destruction wrought by the 2018 rash of wildfires across the state, the legislature has announced a foolproof plan to get rid of the devastating fires. The legislature will sharply increase taxes on the fires each and every year until they finally have had enough and agree to move to a more fire-friendly state.

Governor Jerry Brown announced the plan at a special press conference, vowing to nickel and dime the wildfires to the point where they just can't take it anymore. Initial fees will include a 10% tax on flames, a 25% "luxury" tax on smoke and ashes, and a 40 cent per square foot tax on acreage burned.

"Just as we've done with various businesses and private individuals, we will levy ever-increasing taxes on the fires," he said proudly. "Once they realize they're being taxed to death, they'll move on to greener pastures like Texas or Arizona." Brown said the taxes will be earmarked for public funding and pensions, but quickly added the state will likely "blow through the cash" on crazy pet projects faster than they could bring it in.

More conservative states immediately criticized Brown's plan, complaining that the fires will simply come over to their states and ruin things.

"We don't want 'em," said Texas governor Greg Abbott. "Stay over there, and stay out of our state. We have our own fires to deal with, not to mention all the crazy progressives you keep sending our way."