COLTS NECK, NJ — After putting out a new song titled "Streets of Minneapolis" as a show of support for anti-ICE protesters, musician Bruce Springsteen issued a statement threatening to keep releasing songs until deportations were stopped.
The news quickly spread across the country, with frightened Americans buying up canned goods and preparing to take shelter due to Springsteen's threat to continue putting out new music unless the trump administration ended all ICE operations.
"I can do this every day, and nobody wants that," Springsteen said in a video posted online. "If you want to prevent me from releasing any more songs, it's very simple. Just stop arresting and deporting illegal alien criminals. Let them all stay and keep assaulting, raping, and murdering people, and I'll hold off."
Springsteen's tone took a far more terrifying turn, however.
"If Trump and his group of fascists insist on upholding the laws of the United States and protecting the American people, I'll just keep going," he said. "I'll do a ‘Streets of…' song for every city in this country. None of you will be safe until Trump agrees to stop keeping you safe."
The new song, which decries the enforcement of laws and serves as a rallying cry for violent migrant criminals everywhere, was only the tip of the iceberg, Springsteen said. "Believe me, no human being wants to hear what I'm capable of. Mark my words. Stop the deportations… or else."
At publishing time, President Trump had called in the National Guard after Springsteen reportedly headed back into the studio.
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