MOAB, UT — A historic discovery was made today as a brave adventurer uncovered an internet article long thought to be lost forever underneath layers upon layers of pop-up ads, privacy policies, and newsletter sign-up appeals.
"They said it couldn't be done," said Professor Illinois Smith after he emerged dusty and covered in scrapes and bruises following his discovery. "I began my search for this article years ago after hearing mysterious tales about it. They all said it was gone for good buried and lost to history. I knew I had to find it."
Professor Smith's expedition spanned the internet, taking him through search engine jungles and booby-trapped browser windows, as well as a trip through the mystical Wayback Machine to look for the article. Finally, after battling through seemingly endless waves of pop-up advertisements, cookie-acceptance requests, and CAPTCHA verification to confirm his humanity, Professor Smith found what he had been searching for. "I must admit, I did not think we would make it out of this alive," said Smith's trusty companion and guide Zameer. "Illi's resourcefulness finally paid off. He always finds whatever lost artifact he's searching for. I should never doubt him!"
At publishing time, Professor Smith had successfully finished reading the long-lost article, taken screenshots, and had even printed off a copy for display in a museum to preserve the discovery before heading into the kitchen to make use of the article, which turned out to be a recipe for making "the world's best double-chocolate chunk cookies."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
