WASHINGTON, D.C. — Voters across the nation found themselves with a serious decision to make this November, as the Border Czar responsible for allowing 11 million illegal immigrants to enter the country demanded a promotion.
After presiding over a record number of undocumented migrants flooding across the southern U.S. border, Vice President Kamala Harris cited the accomplishment as a prime reason why the American people should put her in charge of the entire country.
"I think my resume speaks for itself," Harris told reporters. "I've done things at the border that no one in history ever came close to doing. The vast hordes of migrants. The spike in human trafficking. Unprecedented business for the drug cartels. Murders. Rapes. We've accomplished a lot in my time as Border Czar, and I can do the same thing for our entire nation. I think I deserve the promotion, America! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
When asked for comment on Harris's demand for a promotion, voters were unsure. "She makes an interesting case," said concerned citizen David Cathcart. "Not particularly compelling, mind you, but interesting nonetheless. While it is undeniably true that she has done some historic things at the border, I'm not sure that's exactly what we're going for. Let us talk it over and we'll get back to you, Kamala."
At publishing time, Harris had gone on to explain that if her work as Border Czar wasn't enough to earn the promotion, perhaps her leading the effort to prevent the war in Ukraine would do the trick.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
