NEW YORK, NY — Chaos erupted at one of the most prestigious journalistic institutions today, as the bomb squad was called into the offices of The New York Times after the discovery of a suspicious Chick-fil-A bag.
An anonymous employee reported seeing the unmistakable white paper bag with red branding sitting in a common area, prompting the media company to immediately call security to deal with dangerous chicken sandwich and waffle fries.
"It was the scariest thing I've ever seen," said one eyewitness who works for the newspaper. "Transphobic chicken, lightly breaded in peanut oil, sitting mere feet away. You never think it will happen to you until it does. Everyone in the building could have literally died."
Analysis by the New York Police Department Bomb Squad was able to ascertain the contents of the suspicious bag. "We make sure to exercise tremendous caution in situations like this," said an NYPD spokesman. "In the end, it was determined that the bag contained a delicious spicy chicken deluxe sandwich and a large order of waffle fries. One of our senior officers took some ketchup and is currently investigating the sandwich and fries in the cafeteria. Thankfully, the threat has been neutralized and no one was harmed by the bag of food."
At publishing time, members of the NYPD Bomb Squad excitedly urged all citizens to notify them immediately if more Chick-fil-A sandwiches and fries are discovered anywhere throughout the city.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
