BEIJING — Fresh off once again winning the election in China with a remarkable 100% of the vote, President Xi Jinping assured Americans that he would never do anything to rig an election.
Jinping stated that his commitment to the sanctity of the ballot box was so firm that he has had hundreds of people executed for even suggesting otherwise.
"I would never, ever try to interfere in the results of an election. Those sorts of values are exactly why I won one hundred percent of the vote in China," explained Jinping. "My support for free and fair elections is so strong that everyone votes for me every single time. I literally have a perfect record when it comes to voting, so Americans can rest easy knowing that we would never do anything to rig an election."
Jinping's assurances come on the heels of a primetime address by U.S. President Donald Trump, who accused China of hacking several U.S. voter databases. "Computer hackers? Chinese people? That's absurd," replied Jinping. "We're not a tech-savvy people whatsoever. You're probably thinking of Japan. Common mistake, really."
At publishing time, U.S. election officials had said that they simply could not decipher if any fraudulent votes were cast, as many of the ballots were written in Mandarin.
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