U.S. — According to a new national poll, the 2024 presidential race is locked in a dead heat between Democratic incumbent "Uncommitted" and Republican opponent "None of These".
Members of the American public have reportedly dissolved friendships, even turning against their own families, as intense disagreement breaks out over whether the nation should go with "Uncommitted" or if "None of These" can be the change America needs.
"I'm team 'None of These' all the way," said local California resident Dylan Vernon. "It's not that I'm 'Uncommitted', I know good and well I want none of these fools to be President."
According to American statistician Nate Silver, the American public hasn't been this divided since the Civil War. However instead of fighting over slavery and states' rights, Silver fears the nation will soon tear itself apart over how much they hate everyone running for president. "People either can't decide because they dislike their options, or have decided for sure that they dislike their options," explained Silver. "It's really going to come down to the wire."
At publishing time, "No Opinion" entered the race as a viable third-party candidate.
There's lots to be thankful for, libs!
