HELL — Board room Demons erupted with thunderous applause and praise for their CEO Satan as he pitched another sinister idea of rebranding the dated term "child sacrifice" with "abortion."
"Ok everyone, listen up and write this down. I've got another genius idea. It may be one of my most twisted, heinous schemes yet. We take the term 'child sacrifice' and replace it with the word 'abortion' instead!" said the Prince of Darkness with an evil grin as he was met with cheers and vigorous clapping.
"Our most recent demonic focus groups have revealed that people are less likely to kill their unborn when they think that they are participating in a satanic act of worship like child sacrifice. So icky, pagan sounding terms like 'child sacrifice' are out and 'abortion' is in!" said Satan with a wicked cackle.
According to sources, all the board members unanimously agreed to Satan's proposal. The Demon executives hope that this change will lead many humans to murder their babies without a second thought.
"If we want as many abortions as possible, then we definitely don't want people to think of themselves as the pagans of old who callously sacrificed their children in hopes of a demon giving them a better harvest or a life, " said Moloch. "We want them to think of themselves as selfless and even virtuous. We want them to choose to ‘do what's right in their own eyes'."
At publishing time, Satan called an emergency board meeting to propose replacing the nasty words "chemical castration" and "child mutilation" with "gender-affirming care."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
