WEST COVINA, CA — As a special public service for his fellow citizens, a local man has taken it upon himself to crank his car stereo as loud as possible at stoplights so that everyone within a three-mile radius can hear every nuance of his refined musical tastes.
"If I had not done this deed and kept my music to myself, they might never have heard Yo Gotti's sublime symphony 'Rake It Up' or the harmonic bliss of Ric Flair Drip's 'Metro Boomin,'" said Andrew Shoaf as he shouted from the open driver's side window of his Honda Civic while waiting in a nearby In-N-Out Burger drive-through line. "The way I see it, I'm doing everybody a favor by introducing them to the greatest music of all time!"
Not everyone was excited to be enjoying Shoaf's music along with him. "His bass is so loud I can literally feel my internal organs vibrating," complained Lora Casey as she waited in the drive-through line behind Shoaf. "My dogs in the back of my car sound like they're in actual pain. I'm afraid the sound frequencies may have caused one of them to involuntarily go poo."
At publishing time, Mr. Shoaf expressed no willingness to turn down the volume. "I'm doin' the Lord's work, bro!" Shoaf screamed while cranking his music even louder. "What is it the Bible says? 'Neither do men turn on a lit banger of a track and put it under a bushel, but they blast it with the window down out of their 15" dual subwoofers, that it may be heard by the entire neighborhood!' Sick beats, baby!"
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
