WASHINGTON, D.C.—Supreme Court Justice Clarance Thomas has issued his long-awaited judicial opinion on whether Cool Ranch or Nacho Cheese is the best flavor of Dorito. Experts hope his written opinion may finally bring the age-old debate to rest.
"It took me a while to figure this one out," said a bloodshot-eyed Justice Thomas amid a haze of smoke as he munched. "In the end, I guess I have to say that either one is fine, man! All depends on your vibe that day. We need to stop fighting about this stuff. The universe doesn't need that. Come together, man!"
The Left responded with outrage, calling Justice Thomas an "existential threat to democracy" and called for a commission to pack the court immediately with 327 new Supreme Court Justices. The Right also responded with condemnation, as they believe the original Nacho Cheese flavor to be the Doritos flavor God intended.
In a totally unrelated story, sources are also reporting that Clarence Thomas has written an opinion questioning the need for federal marijuana laws.
Libertarians are now calling for Justice Thomas to be granted all nine votes on the Supreme Court.