BISMARCK, ND - In a landmark 7-2 decision, the Supreme Court has ruled that students who identify as teachers must be granted equal access to the teacher's lounge. A spokesman for the ACLU lauded the decision, calling it a win for all Americans.

The case in question, Thompkins vs. Bismarck Elementary, centered around 4th-grade student Timmy Thompkins who self-identifies as a teacher. Thompkins had been using the teacher's lounge for several months without an issue until his homeroom teacher complained to the Principal.

"I went into the teacher's lounge to get some coffee, and Timmy was there reading the newspaper. He called me Linda and kept talking about how much of a pain the kids were being today," said Bismarck Elementary teacher Linda Fairfield. "I complained to the principal, and they banned Timmy from the teacher's lounge."

Thompkins appealed the decision, saying that since self-identifying as a teacher clearly makes him a teacher, the ban violated his rights under the Equal Employment Opportunity Act. His lawyer agreed, suing the district for age discrimination and unequal treatment.

The case eventually made it to the Supreme Court, which ruled in favor of Thompkins yesterday. "Since Mr. Thompkins' status as a teacher is not in question, this appears to be a case of unequal treatment by an employer," the majority opinion read. "Mr. Thompkins must immediately be granted access to the teacher's lounge of Bismarck Elementary."

Thompkins has resumed his daily visits to the teacher's lounge, where he says his colleagues have welcomed him back with open arms. His teacher, Mrs. Fairfield, says she now self-identifies as a student and was seen playing on the monkey bars at recess.