ST. MARYS, PA — Witnesses reported that the Gerbison household was in an unpleasant state after the dumb oaf of a husband, Gill, assumed he could use the bathroom's hand towels to dry his hands. His wife, Gwen, was forced to sit him down and explain that the hand towels were not to be used as towels for hands. Ever.
"It's bad enough that he soiled the decorative toilet plunger last week after enchilada night," said Gwen to her neighbor while they were out shopping for throw pillows that would forever be prohibited from being within three feet of anyone's head. "When is the dope going to understand that our home's utilitarian objects are not to be utilized?"
After the hopeless imbecile of a husband threw his hat on the rustic hat rack near the front door, Gwen dragged him to a marriage counselor who chastised Gill for being such a senseless moron and comforted Gwen during this difficult time.
At publishing time, Gill had lost his temper after his clueless simpleton of a wife had allowed the kids to play with his Star Wars action figures.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
