WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources, President Biden's team is planning to submerge the President in a bacta tank tonight so his mind and body will be prepared for his upcoming State of the Union address. White House aides are hopeful the bacta fluid will put a skip in the elderly president's step and sharpen his mind to at least 2008 levels so that he'll be able to form a complete sentence.
"The American people expect answers about how great of a job I'm doing," Biden said as he was forcefully shoved into a cylindrical pod by Secret Service agents. "My handlers say floating in a strange liquid goo for a while is just the ticket!"
Bacta tanks came into popularity following highly publicized use by Dark Lord of the Sith Darth Vader and Walt Disney. They are known for their restorative properties that are capable of healing even the most wounded individuals. U.S. officials believe Abraham Lincoln would still be alive if he'd been placed into a bacta tank immediately. Notable Russian revolutionary Vladimir Lenin remains in a bacta tank to this day.
Official White House historian Michael Biel made note that Biden's positive attitude quickly changed once bacta began filling the glass tube. Bacta is a mixture of kavam and alazhi bacteria with ambori fluid and Vratixia renancius, which feels like an icky goo to most people.
"Hey, what is this, Crystal Pepsi?" Biden screamed. "Gross!"
VP Kamala Harris says she is looking forward to tomorrow night's speech. "I wish he had a bacta tank last year. I mean, he said 'you can't build a wall high enough to keep out a vaccine.' It can't be worse than that."
At publishing time, Biden's team had added formaldehyde to the tank just in case.
There's lots to be thankful for, libs!
