WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Biden lashed out at critics who questioned his cognitive ability Thursday, telling reporters at the White House that he can't remember a single time when his memory failed him.
"Don't you think I would know if I were having memory problems?" the president asked. "I'm as sharp as a tack, Jack. I've got no cognitive issues whatsoever. My memory is as perfect as it was back in 2024 when I was president."
"Also, don't you think I'd know if I were having memory problems? People with memory problems mix up names, dates, and places," he noted. "They wander around aimlessly all day with clueless looks on their faces. I even heard of one extreme case where a guy confused Egypt with Mexico. Now, THAT'S a person you should be talking to about memory problems!"
The president then raised his hand to ask a question, seemingly unaware that he was leading the press conference. Shortly thereafter, a reporter asked Biden to comment on his portrayal as a "sympathetic, well-meaning elderly man with a poor memory" in last week's special counsel report.
"Look, I don't know that guy, so I'm not going to speculate on what was said in the report," Biden noted. "What I will say is this: Our country is at a critical crosswalk. If you have trouble figuring out whether you're for me or Donald Rumsfeld, well, then you ain't black. So please, when you drive into that voting booth in November of 2020, vote for Joe Biden."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
