WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a tense exchange with the press today, President Biden defended himself against charges of corruption and bribery, claiming that a recent $10 million payment to his cat Willow is "totally legitimate" and there's nothing weird about it at all.
"Listen, folks, it's none of my business what deals my cat is making around the world. I know nothing about it," said the President. "Willow is the smartest cat I know, and it doesn't surprise me to hear that he provided a totally real and legitimate and non-corrupt service to the Romanian government in exchange for millions of dollars which I'm sure was fully deserved and that I've never seen. I'm not corrupt. Do you think I'd be President if I was corrupt? Come on, man!"
Sources say the White House press pool let out a collective sigh of relief, happy that their concerns were so decisively laid to rest. "When the President says he did nothing wrong, you have to believe him," said recent Georgetown grad and White House Correspondent Krissy Persimmons. "That's just science."
Journalists were also told not to worry about the $3 million Ukrainian payment to Biden's dog Major, the $12 million Chinese payment to Dr. Jill, or the dead hooker found in the trunk of Biden's Corvette.
At publishing time, the White House cat was found dead of a self-inflicted hit-and-run.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
