U.S. — Researchers with the U.S. Food & Drug Administration have determined that cereal reaches its peak flavor at 10 pm if eaten on the couch while watching a true crime documentary.
"After 12 years of research and millions of dollars, our team has finally determined this to be the ideal way to eat breakfast cereal," said Dr. Dave Blart who led the research effort. "It far surpassed all other cereal-eating scenarios, including Saturday morning after a late-night party, 2 pm when you can't find any other food in the house, and after smoking weed."
For maximum deliciousness, scientists are recommending people pair something really unhealthy like Lucky Charms, Cap'n Crunch, or Cocoa Puffs with something depressing and gruesome, like Dateline NBC or Forensic Files.
"We're not sure when people started eating breakfast in the morning, but it's clear now this was a huge mistake," said Dr. Blart. "It should be bacon and eggs in the morning, cereal at night. We're thankful our research was finally able to correct this grave error."
At publishing time, the FDA had also found the best time to eat Taco Bell is at 2 am in your car in a Walmart parking lot.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
