TALLAHASSEE, FL — Gov. Ron DeSantis signed an executive order Friday to prevent Link, the hero of Hyrule, from wearing the female clothing of the Gerudo people.
"That is totally disgusting and it's completely inappropriate for Florida's children to be exposed to this," DeSantis said. "Link is a male, and males should dress like males. He shouldn't be trying to sneak into Gerudo Town anyway! It's a town completely populated by women! This is as egregious as trans males using a woman's locker room!"
"I will not allow this woke nonsense while I'm Governor of Florida."
The new legislation will prevent the sale of Zelda games that feature Link wearing Vai clothing, fairies that vaguely resemble drag queens, or that clearly gay construction worker named Bolson.
"Link is supposed to protect Princess Zelda, but he's terrible at it," continued DeSantis. "He's always losing her and putting her in danger. Maybe he'd be able to do his job if he wasn't distracted by all this woke garbage! Enough!"
At publishing time, California Governor Gavin Newsom aired a national network ad encouraging Link to come to California where he will be embraced for living his truth.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
