DAYTON, OH — A concerned husband assured his wife on Wednesday he was only reading Song of Solomon to study profound theological doctrine, not to check out the...er... you know..."interesting" bits.
Mark Miller, 45, claims he was reading Song of Solomon to study spiritual metaphors during his morning scripture study when his wife Cindy glanced over his shoulder and expressed concern over the lewd material he was reading.
"I promise honey, I'm only reading it for the doctrine. I'm skipping over all the stuff about... well... uh... you know."
Cindy noted that Mark had underlined a passage comparing the author's love "to a mare among Pharaoh's chariots." When pressed, Mark assured her he was just researching the love God shows forth to the children of Israel and definitely not looking at any of the...ahem...more salacious passages.
Throughout the ages, hosts of teen boys have discovered the Song of Solomon during long Sunday school lessons, many of whom were previously unaware the Bible contained references to men bounding over the hills like gazelles or the ‘choicest fruits' of women. The book of Scripture has long been a topic of controversy among Biblical scholars; many question its spiritual credibility, while others swear they only read it for the articles.
"I rarely look at Song of Solomon," Mark maintains. "I only peeked at it this one time to see if there were any good gospel analogies I've missed in previous viewings. I'm not a creep. What? I'm not."
Cindy Miller asked her husband if he'd consider setting up a content blocker on his Bible app to curtail temptation during future study sessions; Mark says he'll think about it but that he definitely doesn't have a problem or anything and can absolutely stop reading Song of Solomon any time he wants.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
