WASHINGTON, D.C. — Amid startling allegations of a bribery scheme that involved foreign nationals giving the Biden family millions of dollars in exchange for policy changes, the President spoke to journalists this morning on the White House lawn. During his talk, he offered them money in exchange for not talking about the bribery.

"Listen newspaper people, just drop the story, ok? Please? I'll give you five dollars," said the President, fumbling around in his pocket. "This is a nothingburger! I'll give this crisp new five-dollar bill to whoever agrees to stop talking about my highly lucrative bribery operation! Ooh! And I have some gum here, too! Who wants a delicious stick of gum? Come on, man!"

Sources say Biden pocketed $10 million during his time as Vice President from foreign interests in exchange for special policy considerations. The sources then stopped talking after Biden bribed them.

At publishing time, Trump also had found himself embroiled in scandal after journalists uncovered a plot to be orange and horrible and "just, like, the worst."

World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.