WASHINGTON, D.C. - Joe Biden signed an executive order this morning granting citizenship to everyone who voted for him.
Some ten million people are expected to receive citizenship through the executive order, making it the largest instance of amnesty in our nation's history.
"If you voted for me, darn it, man, you deserve to be an American," Biden said at a press conference this morning. "Thank you for your service, and welcome to America. You're all Americans in my book -- clean, articulate ones."
"Now, let's build back better!" Biden pulled out his phone and played "Despacito" in honor of the votes he received.
There was some confusion as he then appeared to hear a voice in his ear and said, "Breathe in, breathe out." The statement was praised by all media outlets as being "a powerful reminder that we need to just calm down and breathe."