You may think America is a deeply divided nation, but you're wrong! Americans actually have a ton in common, and we're gonna prove it to you. Let's take a moment together to reflect on what unites us as people. Let the healing and unity begin.
Here are 7 things Americans still agree on:
All lives matter - Oh shoot-- we didn't mean that. We are so sorry. Let's try again. Let's see...
The Pope is Catholic - no wait...we're actually not sure about this one either.
Boys shouldn't be allowed in girls restrooms - We've just been informed that this is hate speech. We retract it and are deeply sorry for any hurt we have caused.
Trump's kind of a moron, right? - Please put your gun away-- we were just kidding.
2+2=4 - That's good! We all agree, right? ...No? Shoot...
Ice Cream is good - No, it contains dairy. Potatoes are good? No, thousands died from potato famines. Maybe Ketchup? No, it's red like MAGA hats. We give up.
...OK, this might be harder than we thought. Let's take baby steps here.
1. We live... we all live in America? - That's true, right? OK, we're getting somewhere!
2. The sky is blue! - We're allowed to say that, right? Is that OK?
3. Bernie memes... those are pretty funny, right? - OK, we're on a roll now!
4. Video games are kinda neat - Especially that nonviolent one where the main character didn't do anything offensive. Yeah, that one was good.
5. The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell - Science. We believe in it.
6. Hillary is a fine, upstanding citizen who has never done anything wrong and we would never say anything bad about her - You agree with this. Listen-- just nod your head, OK?
7. Things could be better, and the other side is the cause of all the problems - Duh. We all know that.
Not bad! This is a great start! Can you feel that warm feeling bubbling up inside you? That's unity. Feels good, doesn't it? Go forth and be unified!