CHICAGO, IL - Local churchgoer Casey Martino is frantically thumbing through his Bible, desperately looking for that one verse where Jesus commands his followers to "always be on the right side of history." 

"Listen-- I could have sworn it was in here," said Martino after a frustrating afternoon of searching. "Something like: 'Thou shalt always be really polite to your neighbor, and always be on the right side of history.' That's a paraphrase, I think, but it went something like that." 

According to theologians, Casey isn't alone. Recent studies have shown that 83% of American Christians actually define Christianity as "a belief in being on the right side of history at all times."

"History is always right!" said Martino, throwing his hands up. "There is literally no other way to determine morality except to loosely predict what people 100 years from now will write about your beliefs in their history books! Right? Jesus said that somewhere, right?"

After failing to find it after hours of searching in the Bible, Martino finally concluded the Bible must be outdated. He then congratulated himself for being on the right side of history.