WORLD — In a surprise statement to the world from the White House Situation Room, President Biden has announced America's unconditional surrender to the Chinese Spy Balloon.
"Listen, folks, it's over," said Biden as a single tear ran down his face. "We're outgunned here. There's no hope that we can match the awesome power of this giant balloon."
Biden's voice was drowned out by the dozens of weeping journalists gathered outside the room.
"I urge you all to hug your loved ones and embrace your children, for the end is near. God help us all," Biden finally said before signing off for the last time.
At publishing time, Americans had been urged by the administration to start learning Mandarin.
By now the whole internet has heard Ben Shapiro rapping, but did you know that there are actually two more verses they cut out of the track?