GREAT FALLS, MT — This week, a Chinese spy balloon flew over Montana, sparking questions and panic among foreign relations staffers and civilians alike. Most Congresspeople have engaged in saber-rattling, but reports have emerged of Rep. Eric Swalwell saying "Why hello there, beautiful," and suavely approaching the sexy Chinese spy balloon.
"Say, baby – how would you like to go back to my place and look at some classified briefings?" Representative Swalwell adjusted his tie and cuff-links while making his move, according to FBI surveillance footage, sidling up to the balloon with a wink.
Eyewitnesses confirm that Swalwell shared with the sexy Chinese spy balloon his favorite habits from prior girlfriends, including how "hot" it was when they always had pointed and relentless questions about classified elements of U.S. foreign policy. The married California Democrat also said he likes it when his girlfriends flatter him with compliments like "smart, strong, and useful to the party," adding that he wanted a girlfriend who would fawn over his "hot state secrets" and "totally sexy rundowns of intelligence committee meetings."
Swalwell was last seen rubbing his hands together with anticipation after he had been approached by another beautiful Chinese woman asking him detailed questions about his job on a date. The woman has since been outed, however, as a Project Veritas reporter.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
