PHILIPPI — According to sources, the disciples at Lydia's house were shocked to see that Paul had returned from prison covered in tattoos and "totally ripped".
Paul and his missionary partner Silas were arrested for allegedly causing a disturbance after an encounter with a spirit of divination, which Paul cast out of a slave girl. Once on the inside, the apostle reportedly set his mind to lifting weights and "getting swole."
"Whoa, check out the guns on Paul," said one disciple. "He's not fighting Christians again, is he? He looks like a thug."
"Is that a tear tattoo on his face?" said Syntyche. "Does that mean he shanked someone in prison?"
In addition to preaching Christ upon his return, Paul also reportedly tried to explain how prison differs from life on the outside as a way to explain his buff new physique. "Look, you got to get buff and join a gang, or you're going to get shivved," he said. "That's just life on the inside. Look, even Silas has got it going on. Check out the bod on him."
But Silas didn't have a buff bod, witnesses said. In fact, he looked exactly the same given the pair had only been in prison overnight.
"Behold, Paul getteth yoked after only one night. A miracle!" exclaimed Epaphroditus. "A muscle miracle!"
Paul's jailer, who was himself converted along with his household, said Paul's commitment to fitness was impressive. "He was a great example for all the prisoners. Just singing hymns and lifting weights," he said. "What a legend."
At publishing time, Paul had departed for Thessalonica to preach the Gospel and pick up some protein powder.
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