BOSTON, MA — A new report revealed that God promised to spare the state of Massachusetts if legal officials there can find at least 12 competent residents to serve as jury members.
Sources said that the Almighty swore by Himself to relent in His intent to wipe Massachusetts off the face of the Earth as long as leaders could successfully identify just 12 human beings in the state who were capable of serving on a jury without completely botching it.
"The state is slated for destruction, but we have it on good authority that if we can find 12 people competent enough to evaluate evidence and issue a verdict in a criminal case, we can save the people here from imminent, righteous destruction," one insider explained. "We believe it to be possible, but so far nothing has turned up."
The announcement came on the heels of the Lindsay Clancy trial, where 11 jurors believed a woman who murdered her children should walk free. One lone juror held up the unanimous vote, prompting divine intervention.
"There's got to be at least 12 people in this state with morals and a conscience," the source continued. "At first, we were confident we could find them, but honestly, it's starting to look a little grim around here. We're holding out hope, but it's not looking good."
At publishing time, Massachusetts had been destroyed in a downpour of sulfur and fire from Heaven.
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