ST. LOUIS, MO — After a brisk winter jog today, local man Donald Vance decided that perhaps obesity isn't so bad after all.
"My diabetes meds taste pretty good, come to think of it," said Mr. Vance, doubled over in agony. "Love handles are just more of me to love!"
Mr. Vance had set out for the morning jog with high hopes, having bought thermal workout shirts and leggings. "I felt great for about fifteen seconds. I was like Rocky Balboa, training in Russia," said Mr. Vance. "Then my lungs started hurting, my eyes watered up, my hands went numb, my ears ached, my knees started buckling, and I started thinking about pancakes. Instead of putting myself through this utter misery, I could have been home eating pancakes! So that's what I did."
Though still concerned about his weight, Mr. Vance's jog has radically altered his perspective on obesity. "I see now the question is, what amount of weight loss is worth losing your toes to frostbite and lighting your lungs on fire?" said Mr. Vance. "When you put suffering on that scale, carrying some extra pounds doesn't seem so bad. Plus, ask yourself - have pizza rolls ever hurt you like that? Well, maybe if you don't let them cool down first. But that's just foolish."
At publishing time, Mr. Vance had returned his thermal workout gear and instead used the money to purchase 173 bags of Cheetos.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
