Biden Announces Space Train
Tech · Jun 19, 2023 ·

WASHINGTON, D.C. — At the annual dinner for the League of Conservation Voters in Washington, President Biden wowed the crowd by announcing ambitious plans to build a state-of-the-art train — in space.

"I mean it folks, it's gonna happen!" said Biden to a shocked audience. "We already built a boat train from the Pacific to the Indian Ocean and a time-machine train that runs from the waffle iron in my Great Aunt's broom closet to the War of 1812. It's time for a space train folks. Think of it! It's a train, but in SPACE! It will only cost seventy-twelve quadrillion tax dollars! Come on, man!"

Sources close to the President downplayed the President's promises, claiming he was only hoping to inspire the imaginations of female BIPOC students in STEM. "This space train shouldn't be seen literally, but as a figurative space train pushing oppressed female engineering students to new heights of achievement," said Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. "Biden deeply cares about this issue and is in perfect health and definitely not demented."

Former President Trump was quick to respond, claiming he would already have built ten space trains if he was still president. "Sleepy Joe doesn't know space trains are very easy to build. No one knows space trains like I do," said Trump. "Poor sleepy Joe!"

At publishing time, sources had confirmed the space train initiative was scrapped after Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg discovered it was racist somehow.

We asked Trump to narrate 7 more famous historic battles, and the result was tremendous and magnificent. Everyone says so.

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