WASHINGTON, D.C. — After spending billions to bail out Silicon Valley billionaire tech entrepreneurs, the Biden Administration is vowing to tax all taxpayer money they gave to Silicon Valley.
"The President has been clear about this, and is clear, still, to this day, and will continue to be clear in the future, clearly," said White House Press Secretary Karine Pierre clearly to reporters. "All the money we used to bail out billionaires will be taxed. Americans can rest assured that some of their taxpayer funds will go right back to the government where they belong unless the billionaires find some sort of loophole that prevents them from paying taxes. That's crazy though. That would clearly never happen."
Sources say any funds for Silicon Valley bailouts not covered by taxes will be covered by money printing and borrowing from China and that none of this really matters anyway because money is fake and "just eat bugs already, for goodness sake."
At publishing time, the Silicon Valley billionaires thanked American taxpayers for saving them by stealing some more of their data to sell to advertisers.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
