DES MOINES, IA — A local couple has discovered the perfect deterrent to help them handle rowdy children. The exasperated mother and father warned their overly rambunctious kids that if they didn't start behaving, they would take them to Applebee's for dinner.
"Worked like a charm! They quieted down right away!" said relieved dad, Michael Tucci. "They have been acting up all day long, whining, bickering, misbehaving…but we fixed that real quick with a simple threat of taking them to a God-forsaken hellscape of greasy, tasteless food guaranteed to cause indigestion."
Michael returned home from work to learn that the children had been a handful for his wife, Marianna, all day. "I had tried every method I could think of," Marianna said. "They just wouldn't behave. In the end, we had no other alternative. We had to scare them with Applebee's. Let's face it, who wouldn't be scared by that? We would have gone through with it, too, though it would have hurt us even more than it hurt them!"
At the mere mention of going to Applebee's, a look of sheer terror overtook the children's faces, and they immediately began to respect and honor their mother and father. "No! Don't!" shouted one of the kids. "Ground us! Take away our toys! Beat us with a wooden spoon! We'll do whatever you tell us! Just no Applebee's!"
The couple now recommends the "Applebee's method" to any parents struggling with defiant children. "It works wonders!" Marianna said. "It's a punishment that really puts the fear of God into them!"
At publishing time, the Tucci kids were frantically cleaning their rooms and doing chores around the house to avoid a threatened trip to Buffalo Wild Wings.
Kyle Mann was just minding his own business, when- BOOP! A wild Gender Fairy appeared!