SALT LAKE CITY, UT — A new record was set at a local Panda Express location today, as a fork replaced a set of chopsticks only three bites into a local man's meal. This breaks the previous record of seven bites, set at a Panda Express location in Wichita, Kansas in 2019.
"I usually try to give it a go with the chopsticks to make the meal seem more ‘authentic,'" said Kobe Hardin. "This time, I was just too hungry. I don't have time to be fiddling around with chopsticks when I've got a big pile of orange chicken ready to be eaten."
Employees at the Panda Express were watching silently from behind the counter as Hardin sat down and began eating. "We all secretly make side bets on how long it will take customers to ditch the chopsticks," said longtime Panda team member Silvia Birle. "Most people will usually last close to halfway through the meal, but every now and then, someone is so hungry they get frustrated pretty quickly. We've thought about spending an entire day telling customers we ran out of forks, but we're afraid it would eventually get violent."
Hardin had no idea he shattered the record. "As soon as I tossed the chopsticks and started using a fork, people came out cheering from the kitchen," he said. "There was confetti, music, the whole deal. It was fun, but I spent the next 15 minutes picking confetti out of my chow mein."
At publishing time, Panda Express was preparing a commemorative plaque for Hardin while experts debated whether the new record will ever be broken.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.