BERLIN — During his speech last night, Biden abolished the office of the president and named himself Supreme Führer. "It is with great reluctance that I have agreed to accept this new authority I have given myself," said the benevolent ruler. "I love democracy. Once this crisis has abated, I will lay down the powers I have given myself. No, I'm serious. Think about it. Not a joke!" Political dissidents were then rounded up and imprisoned in order to save democracy. The whereabouts of Senator Ted Cruz are currently unknown.

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