BURLINGTON, VT — The future of one of America's more well-known political figures was cast in doubt this week after news broke that the paid attendees of Bernie Sanders' rallies had voted to unionize.
The socialist icon who had built a large following over the last decade due to his anti-capitalist policies and large payroll of well-compensated supporters told his staffers that his campaign prospects were "in trouble" now that he would be forced to negotiate collective bargaining agreements with his paid rallygoers.
"These leftists are tough negotiators," Sanders reportedly told an aide. "For some reason, these commies think that banding together to demand equal pay and benefits from their wealthy employer is the right plan. They even told me if I don't give in to their demands, my entire rally crowd will go on strike. I'll be ruined!"
One member of the traveling rally crowd confirmed the threat. "We won't sit here and be treated like peasants," said Geoff Talbot, a paid Bernie supporter since 2016. "We've been slaving away for Bernie for years, and it's time for us to get what we deserve. We simply want him to pay his fair share, and we're willing to play hardball to get it. It would be a shame if he had to speak in front of a sea of empty seats. You saw what happened with Biden? That was nothing."
At publishing time, Sanders's office confirmed that the Vermont senator had agreed to double his rallygoers' pay and provide them with paid time off and a competitive healthcare plan.
The Founding Fathers didn't always agree behind closed doors.
