Politics is a confusing thing, isn’t it? Democrats, Republicans, Libertarians, Pescatarians, left, right, middle, center—sometimes it can seem like a tangled, impenetrable mess, like those Apple earbuds you left in your pocket overnight.
Well, somewhere within this elaborate web, one movement that has gained steam with the rise of President Donald Trump is the “alt-right.” You’ve probably heard of them, but really, who are these people? The group is sort of vaguely defined, so it can be hard to keep things straight.
As always, we at The Babylon Bee want to make sure you’re informed, so we’ve conducted extensive research to bring you just the hard facts about the movement known as the alt-right.
The last surviving Confederate Civil War general, William Husky O’Connor, aged 187, was feeling pretty left out of modern-day politics, what with the reduced amount of racism and xenophobia, and he decided to launch a political movement in his hometown of Stonewall, Alabama. Partnering with his local KKK chapter and eventually being joined by 6 or 7 neo-Nazis from the website 4chan, they all united around a bonfire, an American flag, and a few Keystone Lights, and the alt-right movement was born.
Meetings were originally held at O’Connor’s trailer compound, where he had an acre yard that was fenced off by broken-down cars to keep all the “cucks” and “Northern aggressors” out, and fueled by the internet, the movement began to spread like wildfire anywhere deep-seated racism was considered a national value.
The alt-right supports lots of platform positions, mostly based around white nationalism. They are very concerned about outside ethnicities tarnishing or diluting their pure white bloodlines and room-temperature IQs, believing also that non-whites are in a vast conspiracy to strip them of the noble cultural heritage they want to pass on to their white children—consisting of things like watching WWE, pounding Natural Lights, and smoking Marlboros.
Group activists often support ethnic cleansing, desiring to rid the land of non-whites and establish an authoritarian government to enforce their policies. If you’re reading this and nodding your head going, “Yeah, that sounds like a good idea,” we want you to go sit in the corner and rethink your life. Then maybe open your Bible and mull on the love of God for a while before you come back.
Richard Spencer; Milo Yiannopoulos; Charles Manson; people who want to re-live the good ol’ days of the Third Reich; your Facebook friend’s drunken uncle—the one with the huge sideburns—who lives in rural Alabama, makes his own whiskey in the tub, and thinks the Holocaust was a hoax; some old, confused Republicans who think they’re supposed to be in favor of anything with the word “right” in its name.
Christians, especially those who have read Ephesians 2:14 and Galatians 3:28, or like, any of the Bible at all, or have even heard that God made all people in His image; the Gospel; anyone with a modicum of human empathy.
NOTABLE ALT-RIGHT CHRISTIANS
NUMBER OF DEATH THREATS WE WILL RECEIVE FOR PUBLISHING THIS ARTICLE
Quite a few.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.