ISLAMABAD — In a stunning breakthrough in the ongoing peace negotiations, Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei agreed to a full surrender on the condition that Vice President JD Vance dresses up in "a very cute sailor outfit, preferably with the hat."
After weeks of stalled negotiations over sanctions, nuclear enrichment, and safe passage for tankers through the Strait of Hormuz, the supreme leader suddenly folded after meeting Vance in person.
"Oh my. Oh, I think we're ready for peace, big boy," said the Ayatollah upon shaking hands with Vance. "We can make this happen right here, right now. If you could just throw on this little sailor outfit and a white hat, the Strait of Hormuz will be open for business, if you know what I mean."
U.S. officials were reportedly caught off guard by the request, with one State Department staffer admitting, "We had contingency plans for everything. Everything except the vice president being asked to wear a little sailor outfit and do a little dance."
Insiders said Vance had not ruled out compliance, though aides described him as "visibly conflicted" after being shown several possible outfit options. "I know it's for world peace, but I don't like it. I don't like being a little Navy boy," said Vance. "I offered to put on my old Marines uniform, but he said that wasn't going to cut it. He wants the white hat, too. Boy, this does not feel right. How much do I love my country?"
At publishing time, the ayatollah had also requested that Vance skip around a bit while singing, "Anchors Aweigh."
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