ALEXANDRIA, LA — In an unsurprising and perfectly predictable turn of events, Aunt Alice's Facebook account was hacked again. Friends and family were notified of the third hack this year when they each received a private message from her account introducing a hot new way to make money through crypto-backed NFT eBay listings.
"I've spent the last seven hours calling everyone I know to tell them I was hacked, that I didn't send that link to them, and to please not click on it because who knows what a crypto NFT link could do to your computer," said Aunt Alice on the verge of tears. "I wouldn't want to be responsible for China accessing more laptop cameras or tracking Etsy purchases; I read on Facebook that they do that now."
Aunt Alice's friends and family knew not to click on the link because, just like before, the message had nothing to do with her Teacup Yorkie, Mr. Nibbles, nor was it a post in which she angrily commented on another Babylon Bee article that she thought was real news.
After telling everyone about the hack, Aunt Alice called her nephew, Taggyrt, who was really into technology, and asked if this hack was tied to her signing an online petition last week to dissolve the FBI and arrest the Attorney General after their despicable raid on poor President Trump's home.
Being bored and — according to sources — "kind of a turd," Taggyrt told her that yes, it was the FBI.
At publishing time, Aunt Alice had installed another toolbar for her Internet Explorer browser, this one promising to protect her from CIA and FBI surveillance, as well as notify her when Amazon had a sale on dog products.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.